Sage Advice |
Sage Advice |
Dear Sages:
I have a dear friend that always comes to me for advice but never takes it. Go figure! The last couple of times she came to me, I started recognizing that I felt a bit annoyed. Why is she coming to me for “advice” if she doesn’t take it? I’m noticing that when things are going well for her, she comes to me less and hangs out with other friends more. When she’s in a bad place, I’m the one she reaches out to. I hate to admit it but I kinda feel as if I’m being used. I use to like the fact that she felt comfortable coming to me with her issues. Isn’t that what friends are for, after all? But when that seems like the only thing she comes to me for, it doesn’t feel like a friendship. How do I handle this situation. I still want to be her friend but don’t want to be just her sounding board. What do I do? Signed, Sarah the Sounding Board Dear Sarah, Thank you for writing in. We are sorry to hear that you feel “used” by your friend. It seem that you value your friendship and taking on this role as advice giver is negatively impacting you and your thoughts about your friend. Advice is directly correlated with the advice giver’s values, beliefs, and experiences and is not the most effective way in supporting people. Advice giving as whole isn’t harmful. However, it can be. How do we actually know what is best for someone else? Advice can be helpful and welcomed. But, like you, we see more often than not that people do not take it. If they do take it and it doesn’t work out, you may be faulted because it was your idea and not theirs. Have you tried this..? The next time your friend comes to you for advice, listen and then ask her with warmth and compassion, “what do you think you should do?” or “What do you think might be the best solution to this?” Usually, people can and will come up with their own ways of handling situations and just need a listening and objective ear. If she persists, kindly tell her that you are more than happy to listen but do not feel comfortable giving advice on the topic. In the words of Eden Phillpotts, “The people sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.” You tried giving advice. She didn’t take the advice time and time again. You are feeling “used.” So, it’s time to implement a new strategy, Sarah. Ironically, our advice is to give none! Signed, The Sages Dear Sages: One of my friends is depressed, I think, and I’m trying to do everything I can to help her. I invite her on walks, call her every day, and try to be a bright spot in her day. I’ve tried and said everything I can to make her happy. But, she just tells me that she feels down and doesn’t know why. She use to love yoga. So, I suggested she start back up with that again. I told her that I’d go with her. When I said that the other day, she looked like she was going to cry and said that I didn’t understand her and wasn’t being a friend. All I’ve been doing is being a good friend! I just don’t get it. I’ve been sad before. But I did what I had to do to get myself out of it. What should I do to help her? Signed, Caring Catherine Dear Caring Catherine, Seems like you are such a caring friend, Catherine. It can be very difficult to see a friend struggle and try to be of help to no avail. We wonder if she is experiencing clinical depression. Although used interchangeably in everyday speak, depression is different than sadness. Sadness is a normal human emotion that passes with time. Depression or Major Depressive Disorder is characterized by 5 or more of the following symptoms lasting more than two weeks: a depressed mood that lasts for most of the day with noticeable signs of hopelessness and sadness; a loss of interest in normal activities; significant and unintentional weight loss or gain; insomnia, sleeplessness, or increased amounts of sleep that affect normal schedules; tiredness and low energy; feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt; inability to concentrate or make decisions; and recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts or suicide attempts or plans. People with a diagnosis of Depression can often be stigmatized because others who do not have this diagnosis do not understand how a person can feel this way. Friends and family, innocently, question why the person can’t just do a hobby or think their way positively out of it. In the words of Stephen Fry, “Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation. Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.” Gently suggest to her outside support such as a licensed therapist. There are proven methods that can support her specific needs. In addition, if she is ever in a crisis and needs immediate support, you or she can call Georgia Crisis and Access Line (GCAL) at 1-800-715-4225 or 1-800-273-TALK. There, one can receive assistance 24/7. Wishing you and your friend all the best! Signed, The Sages
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Dear Sages:
My 20-year reunion is coming up and I’m terrified to go. I don’t have great memories from high school and wasn’t super close with many people. I talk to the one person I was close to regularly and don’t need a reunion to connect with him. Although a part of me doesn’t want to go and can justify not going. Another part wants to go because I realize that the terror I feel about going is irrational and I want to get over my fear. There is one person specifically that I do not want to see as he bullied me from elementary until high school. Only until I got the invitation did I realize that I am still at the effect of the bullying. I’m sure he has moved on and so have I but, for whatever reason, my stomach ties up in knots when I think about running into him. Should I go to the reunion to get over my fear? Or just stay at home and leave well enough alone? One more thing! When I was in school I was kind of chubby. This guy constantly called me fat and teased me about me weight. One of my friends recently showed me a pic of him and he was very overweight. I, on the other hand, am healthy and fit now. A part of me wants to go just to show him that I’m not chubby anymore. Petty, I know. But true. Signed, Terrified Tommie Dear Terrified Tommie, First, we want to acknowledge the lasting effects of bullying and how terrifying it can be to face a bully. Sure, you both have probably “moved on” and perhaps this guy has matured by now. But it doesn’t take away the impact that years of bullying has left on you. You can’t necessarily go wrong with either choice. But will you regret not going? In the words of Michael J. Fox, “One's dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered.” If you truly do not want to go nor spend the money, time or energy, don’t! However, if there is a bit of you that wants to go but fear is trying to make the decision for you, consider going so you can heal. You are an adult now. You can leave. You can employ many tactics to gracefully get out of any uncomfortable situation that may arise. Rehearse in the mirror what you may say or do if engaged in a negative way. Also, welcome surprising connections if they come your way. By the way, congrats on being healthy and fit now. You are resilient and strong. There is no shame in being proud of who you are. Do not surrender your strength anymore. We wish you all the best! Signed, The Sages Dear Sages: I have recently been asked to be maid of honor in my best friend’s wedding. Awesome, right? I should be happy BUT all I keep thinking about is all the money I will be spending on this event: dress, bridal shower, bachelorette party, gifts etc. I probably sound like a horrible friend but I’m not, I promise. I just know that my friend has champagne taste and innocently asks friends to participate in activities and such that are well over our price range. She is pretty well to do and completely unaware that her friends are not as financially well off as she. On top of all this, my sister just asked that I help with her baby shower and be the godmother to my niece. I said yes before being asked to be a maid of honor. I have been doing great by paying off my debt religiously and if I take on this added role, I will backslide, I just know it. The wedding is a year away, is this enough time to tell her no longer can do this? Will this hurt her feelings? If it will hurt her feelings, should I just keep my mouth shut and deal with it? What should I do? Signed, Maid of Dishonor Dear Maid of Dishonor, Wow! We completely understand why you feel conflicted. Sounds like you want to be there for your friend but also want to preserve your energy and financial stability. Does it have to be an all or nothing scenario, though? If you didn’t have to take a huge hit financially in your role as Maid of Honor, would you still want to do it? If so, could you still fulfill your Maid of Honor role minus all the perceived financial obligations (i.e. just organize events, be main point of contact, go with her to pick out her wedding dress)? Have you spoken to her about your concerns? You mention that she is “completely unaware” of your financial circumstance. Why doesn’t she know? Have you participated in activities for years without expressing your concern about finances? What would it feel like if your friend had concerns related to you and it wasn’t shared with you? In the words of Audre Lorde, “I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.” If she is a true friend, she will welcome the discussion. Who knows, you both may come up with a nice compromise that meets your needs and hers. Don’t just bow out without sharing how you feel. Honor your friendship by sharing with her your concern. Welcome a compromise. If she wants more than you can give, then bow out gracefully. Act with honor and love. We wish you the best in life and hope that you allow your truth to shine through! Signed, The Sages Dear Sages:
My problem is trying to find a polite way to respond to questions that make me uncomfortable without sounding rude. I have been hired by the mother of an elementary school student to provide tutoring and after school care for her child and all arrangements for this work have been between the mother and me. Things are going well and I have a wonderful relationship with the child and the mother. My problem is the father. When the mother is not around, the father frequently interrupts to ask me questions about my fees and the frequency and mode of the payments—all in front of the child and during our study time. These matters have already been worked out with the mother. The father does not need to be involved and the mother says she does not want him to be involved. I should mention that this man has ADD and I believe these questions are the result of him trying to find ways to constantly engage others and distract himself which, to me, seems self-serving. I resent him asking these questions because they make me feel awkward and uncomfortable. Would it be rude if I were to say, "Your questions are making me uncomfortable. It would be best for both of us if you could please ask you wife. Thank you." I anticipate that he may become argumentative since I would be keeping him from distracting himself. My goal is to defer from answering his questions without crossing my boundaries. Please offer a suggestion. Thank you. Signed, Uncomfortable Coach Dear Uncomfortable Coach, We are sorry to hear that you are struggling with this—it does indeed sound uncomfortable for you! Although the scenario doesn’t seem ideal, your strong reaction to the father makes us wonder if perhaps the situation is tapping into something on a deeper level for you. Does the father remind you of someone else in your life? Do the feelings you have surrounding the situation seem familiar to you from something in your past? If so, we encourage you to explore your experience in depth with a counselor or other helping professional—that may be the key to freeing yourself from the uncomfortable feelings regardless of whether or not the father changes his behavior. Meanwhile, if you do decide to address it with him, we urge you to speak only about yourself and what you are feeling and what you need—try not to speak about him or make assumptions about what is motivating his behavior. That will only create defensiveness and ultimately move you farther away from your goal of alleviating your discomfort. The Dalai Lama says, “We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” Wishing you inner—and outer—peace! Signed, The Sages Dear Sages: I'm compelled to offer my perspective to Doggy Daddy (Feb. Issue). From my point of view, whether his date is a dog-lover or not is irrelevant. I would argue that his date feels threatened and jealous by the attention Doggy Daddy is extending to his dog. But this has nothing to do with his dog. The culprit could have been a cat, a friend, or his car. She is resorting to name-calling ("spoiled") because she is not approving of his choices. She is critical of his choices because she wants to be the one to capture his attention. How was her apology sincere when she insisted on name-calling? I would say she is the one who wants to be spoiled by Doggie Daddy. But somehow she is concerned that she will be second, not first in his life—if the relationship gets to that point. I'd like to refer Doggy Daddy to John Gottman's "Cascade Model of Relationship Breakdown." The cascade begins with criticism followed by defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. She offered criticism and Doggy Daddy admitted he felt "very defensive." Gottman, a guru in relationships, further argues that the roots of divorce are found in courtship. Doggy Daddy described evidence of the first two elements in the cascade and they have only dated four times. I encourage Doggy Daddy to consider these red flags before going any further with the relationship. Signed, Another Point of View Dear Another Point of View, Thank you for sharing your opinion about the letter from Doggy Daddy in the February issue. It sounds as if you have strong feelings about the relationship and you want to forewarn DD about the red flags you see that perhaps he may be missing. We believe that, in the beginning of a relationship, it is always best to tell the truth about who you are—and to seek the truth about the other. As a new couple gets to know one another, they will likely experience some times of distress and uncertainty. While we agree that it is good to be aware of “red flags” so as to avoid unwittingly entering into an unhealthy relationship, it is also important to be open to interpretation of what may be a fear or insecurity that comes from being vulnerable with someone new. Harville Hendrix, author of “Getting the Love You Want” says, “Conflict is the alchemical soup that transforms raw emotion and instinct into pure gold.” If we are telling and seeking the truth we create a space within which we can listen to the fear or insecurity and determine if the relationship is a safe place to heal—or, in contrast, if the healing needs to take place elsewhere. Either way, we wish Another Point of View and Doggy Daddy the peace and love they deserve. Signed, The Sages Dear Sages,
I have been happily married for 3 years with an amazing man. My husband and I dated for many years before getting married and always thought we didn’t want to have children. We agreed on this subject and always shared thoughts of building our future together and traveling the world in our free time. We have a dog and being a fur parent was the only parenting I thought I ever wanted to do. Well, now I think I have changed my mind. When I have spoken to my husband about it, he isn’t pleased. He thinks I misled him. But I honestly didn’t think I wanted kids when we got married. My husband didn’t say “no” outright and I know he would support me in the decision (and be a great father) but I don’t want to feel like I am trying to convince him to want to be father. I want him to want to. At this juncture, I’m not sure what to think or what to do. I don’t think this desire is going to go away. I didn’t have a great childhood, and, in the past, I think the reason I didn’t want to have kids was because I thought I’d be a horrible parent too. But now that I’m older and have some more perspective (and greater esteem, perhaps) I feel like I would not only want to raise a child but that I’d do everything I can to make a wonderful life for my child. What do I do? Signed, Wanting Dear Wanting, Thank you for writing into Sage Center! And congratulations on 3 happy years of marriage. We completely empathize with the dilemma you are facing and understand that you are stuck between wanting a child and honoring your agreement with your husband. As related in the book The Unfinished Book About Who We Are by Joseph Rain, “A worthy relationship is an agreement that challenges and supports both participants.” Your experience is challenging both you and your partner’s ideas about your future, the thoughts about your relationship, and challenging his trust in your word. Have you considered marital counseling? You both may come to an agreement on whether to have a child. And you may not. But receiving support with this dilemma from a neutral party may be a wonderful way for you both to find space to honor each other’s experience without fear and mistrust and can support both of you in sorting out your feelings and goals for the future. We wish you and yours all the best. Signed, The Sages Dear Sages, I have recently started dating again and wow has it been interesting!! I’ve finally met a woman that I thought I was very compatible with and share a lot of common interests. But after the fourth date realized that she likes dogs but isn’t a “dog person.” When I told her about me buying Christmas gifts for my dog and letting him lay in bed with me, she says my dog is spoiled and runs the house. I immediately felt very defensive and put off. I was cordial but left the date irritated. After it was over, she called and apologized for hurting my feelings (she said she could tell I was bothered because my demeanor changed). However, she still used the word “spoiled” when speaking of my dog. I have always dated dog people so have never been challenged in this way. I really like her and am attracted to many qualities about her. But I’m wondering if this is a deal breaker? Signed, Doggy Daddy Dear Doggy Daddy, We Sages are self-identified “dog people” and completely understand why you feel “defensive” about your fur kid. It can be hard to hear perceived criticism about any of our kids (fur and human). Liking dogs and being a “dog person” can be very different and if someone doesn’t feel comfortable sharing a bed with your fur baby and you don’t want to change your position on it, then this would be a deal breaker. If you are willing to compromise how you engage with your pup to continue the relationship and she is willing to compromise in some ways to (like sharing the bed), it could work. Do you like her enough to stick around and find out? The differing love/like for dogs doesn’t necessarily mean it will not work. But what concerns us is that she called your dog “spoiled.” Why name call? It would have been effective for her to say “wow! I’ve never had a close relationship with a dog like that. Sounds like you really love him!” That feels much different than “your dog is spoiled.” Has your dog met her yet? His reaction to her and her reaction and engagement with him may give you some guidance as to whether or not you want to pursue this. See what your dog says about her. In the words of Marley & Me’s Author, John Grogan, “It is amazing how much love and laughter they bring into our lives and even how much closer we become with each other because of them.” Wishing you the connection and compatibility you are searching for! Keep us updated! Signed, The Sages Dear Sages,
I am newly married with my partner of 4 years and I moved in to my significant other’s home after we married. My spouse has full custody of his 2 elementary age kids. I love kids and it has been fun getting to know them and watch them grow. Although I haven’t been around them 24/7, I feel I have been a major constant in their lives. I started out visiting with them often and being the nice, fun adult that they enjoyed being around. But, now that I am living in their home, I am having trouble getting them to recognize my authority. Maybe I was too nice before? Maybe this is normal and we’ll find a rhythm of this new arrangement after some time? What do I do? I want to be a good step parent and don’t want to mess this up! Signed, Nice Nancy Dear Nice Nancy, Thank you for writing in to Sage Advice! And congratulations on being newly married and moving in to the home with your spouse and step kids! In the words of Elder M. Russel Ballard, “There is no perfect way to be a step parent. Each situation is unique. Each step parent has different challenges, skills and abilities and certainly different children. What matters is that the step parent loves his/her children deeply.” We’re guessing, Nice Nancy, that the shear fact of you being concerned and not wanting to “mess this up,” means you won’t. If you were being authentic in getting to know the children, then you weren’t being “too nice.” Growing pangs are normal and as the quote indicated, “every situation is unique.” Have you spoken to your spouse about how you are feeling? If so, what are his thoughts? Have you spoken to the children about their feelings about the move and the marriage? You may gain some significant insight as to why there are some growing pangs? Maybe the issues have nothing to do with the marriage or move—perhaps it is something the kids are experiencing at school or with friends? Have you (or your spouse) explored any outside issues that may be happening? Parenting is tough even for biological parents and ALL parenting has challenges. In addition, perhaps looking at the home as your shared home—a home you share with your spouse and step-kids—versus “their home” as you write in your question. Is it possible you feel some insecurity about being “separate” that is manifesting in your relationships with the kids? Do YOU feel like you belong? Our main advice is to continue exploring what lies beneath and remain open to the idea that these challenges will bring you and the kids closer rather than apart. Wishing you much happiness and joy in your new family! Signed, The Sages Dear Sages, 2017 was not the best year for me--and I want to start the New Year off right. Nothing major happened in 2017 but I just felt disorganized and unproductive...which then left me feeling discouraged and a little depressed. I don’t know what to do or where to begin to create a year that I want—to create a year where I feel productive and accomplished. How do I go about starting this year off right and making it stay that way? Signed, Ready for 2018 Dear Ready for 2018, In the book “A Tale for the Time Being,” Author Ruth Ozeki writes, “Where should I start? I texted my old Jiko this question, and she wrote back this: 現在地で始まるべき. You should start where you are.” This is not to say that it isn’t worth looking back to reevaluate and assess what worked in 2017 and what didn’t, but try not to lose complete focus on the woulda, shoulda, couldas. You mention that you feel depressed. Do you feel sad or irritable most of the day? You also mentioned you feel disorganized and unproductive. Is your mood what affected your ability to be organized and productive? Have you lost interest in activities you once use to be interested in? Have you been diagnosed with depression in the past? If you answered yes to any of these question, it is our suggestion to reach out to a trusted professional to support you in treating these symptoms AND support you in arriving to place that you can accomplish your goals. If you’ve answered no to all of these questions, it still may be helpful to meet with someone (a trusted mental health professional, a friend, parent, confidant) to write down your goals and steps on how you can reach them. If you’re doing this activity with a friend (or friends), make it a party—something fun. Do a vison board, perhaps! A word you wrote really summed it all up---“create!” Start where you are and create, Ready for 2018. We are hopeful that you can and will create the year you want and deserve! Signed, The Sages Dear Sages,
This might sound like a very silly question (and topic) but I’m going to ask it anyway. How do I reconcile my opinions of people with opposing political views than me? I have been having a very hard time with some of the friendships I have with people that have differing political views. If I’m being completely honest, I sadly judge those that have voted differently than me and I completely cringe while typing this! I do not want to be a judgmental person, but it seems that I can’t shake this unease I have with this subject. I wouldn’t have described myself as judgmental before 2016. I have several friends and family members that have differing political opinions and the last couple of years have challenged my view on these relationships. How do I handle these emotions? Signed, Vehement Voter Dear Vehement Voter, Thank you for writing into Sage Center! This is not a silly question AT ALL! And we are glad you were brave enough to ask. Believe it or not, handling emotions precipitated by the political arena have been challenging for many of our clients. And it makes sense as the climate around this topic has been extremely unpleasant, at best. Fear has made many of us experience the world, our friends AND ourselves not in the best light. The good news is that we can use this information as an opportunity to reexamine ourselves and our friendships, strengthen areas that can be strengthened, and discard negative beliefs that no longer serve us. Is there a negative story you are telling yourself about your friendships and friends because of who they voted for? Or are you examining the whole body of your friendship? Were there things in the relationship with these friends that gave you concern before and the elections just highlighted these concerns? Or are you solely judging them based on who they voted for? These will be interesting questions for you to explore. In the words of Rumi, “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” We hope that you can use the answers to find peace in your relationships and also within yourself. Wishing you peace and discernment! Signed, The Sages Dear Sages, The holidays are such a burdensome time for me. My father died a couple of years ago and since then, I just do not enjoy this time of year. This was kind of his time of year and it feels weird participating in it without him. I show up to family events and smile but what I really want to do is stay home and watch Netflix and Hulu. If I did that though, my family would bug me to no end thinking it’s their job to cheer me up. I’m not sad. I just don’t find these gatherings enjoyable anymore. I feel like I have no choice when it comes to this time of year and what activities I participate in. It’s an obligation and no longer feel obliged. How do I approach this with my family without causing concern? How do I explain to them that I have new normal? Really not sure how to handle this! Signed, Hulu Holidays Dear Hulu Holidays, First, we want to express our sincerest condolences regarding the loss of your father. And we completely understand why you would feel disconnected from a holiday that you so strongly associate your father with. Life is different for you now and you experience the world with a different lens than you did previously. What was normal before isn’t normal anymore. In the words of Charles Eisenstein, “we sense that ‘normal’ isn’t coming back, that we are being born into a new normal: a new kind of society, a new relationship to the earth, a new experience of being human.” It’s as if you are relearning who you are. Now, how do you approach this with your family? Here are just some ways you can broach the subject: 1) you can be transparent and tell them exactly what you told us, 2) you can choose to tell them you cannot participate in some activities and not give them an explanation, and 3) you can participate and be prepared to feel feelings as you have been. These are only some of the many choices that could be available to you. Weigh out the pros and cons of each decision and explore what feels best. If your goal is to not cause them concern, your back may be against a wall, though. One can never control how others feel. But, we completely empathize with you wanting to preserve their feelings while preserving yours. Perhaps examining these feelings with a therapist may be helpful. You can then explore all your options and see what feels most supportive to you. We hope that you can access the loving boundaries with your family that you feel you need! Signed, The Sages Dear Sages,
I have recently gotten a divorce and wondering when would be a good time to start dating again. I was divorced in my mind loooong before we signed the papers. So, I feel ready to find a loving partner that I can share my life with. When is a good time to start dating? Should I wait? If so, how long? even though I went through a very difficult time in my previous marriage, I still believe in love. My friends are telling me to wait but wait for what? I’m not a young kid anymore but I’m sure not two steps from my grave either! Any guidance you can give me in this area would be great! Signed, Divorced but not Dead Dear Divorced but Not Dead, Thank you for writing into Sage Center! We wish there was a magic number of days, months, years that we could share with you in regards to the perfect time to start dating after a divorce. But as you can imagine, there is none. The key, we believe, is the ongoing process of self-discovery and self-development. In the words of Lisa Wilson, Sage Center Clinician and Divorce Support Facilitator, "starting a new relationship right away without insight, support and guidance as to why the previous relationship didn't work is like going out and getting a new ex!" If you just recently experienced divorce and haven't received any support, our best advice would be to seek support from a trusted professional. What you don't want to keep happening is attracting the same case with a different face! We understand that sharing your life with a loving partner is a strong desire and we absolutely believe there is nothing wrong with wanting that for ourselves. We all deserve love. But before you start dating and seeking a partner, seek for the love within you! Give yourself the gift of support and insight! For any questions about how to start the process, please call us at Sage Center. Lisa Wilson supports people in this area and is available for any questions you may have to start the process! Call her at 678-902-5472. Signed, The Sages Dear Sages, My wife wants so desperately for me to go on vacation—via airplane!! I’m terrified of planes which has prevented me from seeing the world. My wife has been very understanding over the last 30 years. But now we are retired and she wants us to visit Ireland before we become immobile. She has flown on a plane many times for work and vacationing with friends. But now that we are both retired, she says she wants to enjoy life with me. But quite frankly, I’m terrified. I am 70 years young and still have many more years to enjoy life and I want to get over this fear. And, most importantly, I don’t want to disappoint my wife. I’m not exactly sure where this fear came from. The only thing I can think of that would have any effect would be hearing about a fatal commercial airline crash when I was about 8 or 9. But how could hearing about something like this and not knowing a person involved give me such fear? Is there anything I can do to get over this? If so, what do I do? Signed, Retired and Ready Dear Retired and Ready, Congratulations on you and your wife’s retirement! And a bigger congrats for being ready to get over this incredible and common fear. You are not alone! Fear of flying is common. According to some research estimates, as many as 25 percent of all Americans suffer some nervousness about flying. The National Institute of Mental Health says this fear, usually called aviophobia, affects just 6.5 percent of the population. There are many techniques that can support people in overcoming fear. Have you ever received any support around this? Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Exposure Therapy are effective ways in treating some phobias. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is effective in treating trauma. You asked how could just hearing about such an event cause such fear. We ask, “How could it not???” Your 9 year old mind didn’t have enough information about the world to know that not all planes crash. And if you had not had any positive experiences in planes, hearing about this could have been traumatic. After all, you still remember it nearly 6 decades later. In the words of Jim Morrison, “Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.” If you’d like more information about support options, please reach out to us. Sage Center clinicians specialize in trauma and EMDR and Breathwork are good choices for this type of fear. If we do not have the specific support you need at this time, we will do our best to point you in the right direction. Wishing you fun and freedom in your retirement! Signed, The Sages Dear Sages,
I have two kids—7 and 11 years old—and I just sent them back to school after a great summer. They were excited to return to school and start with new teachers, make new friends, and learn what their new grade has to teach them. I, on the other hand, am experiencing anxiety about being separated from them—especially with all the news about violence in schools. I’ve never really experienced this feeling before and I’m not sure what to do about it. I know I can’t protect them from everything 24/7 but I find my heart aching each time I send them out to catch the bus. What can I do? Signed, Worried Mom Dear Worried Mom, We empathize with your concern and we’re sure that there are other parents and caregivers in our Sage Community that share in your anxiety and worry. A saying we refer to in times of worry is this one in the words of Erma Bombeck, “worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere.” However, we must add that the worry isn’t some meaningless emotion that should be overlooked. Perhaps, the anxiety and worry are indicators of something else. With reports of mass violence in schools, it is completely understandable why you would feel such anxiety. One may wonder, “How can I protect my children if I’m not with them?” Believe us when we say, we empathize fully! Have you been informed of the safety procedures of the school in the event of a natural disaster or crisis? If not, reach out to the school and ask about specifics regarding plans in place and express your concern. Maybe once you speak to the school and learn of crisis procedures you will feel more at ease. Now… we also don’t want to rule out the other unconscious forces that may be at play. Are you experiencing anxious feelings because you are grieving the loss of your “great summer?” You mentioned that one of your children is 11. So, going to middle school? Could this be bringing up anxiety about growing older, babies growing up? Acknowledge your emotions, explore further why they are there, and receive support from the school and those that love you. Wishing you a wonderful school year and a great fall, winter and spring ahead! Signed, The Sages Dear Sages, I am 72-years-young and I retired this summer. I have enjoyed a long and satisfying career in advertising but felt I was definitely ready to make a change and begin relaxing and enjoying my leisure time on a daily basis…or so I thought. After a fond farewell to my friends and colleagues at the office in May I headed home to relax and unwind. The first few weeks were great! I caught up on projects around the house, read a book just for fun, and even got together with a few of my retired buddies for lunch a couple of times. But now I’m getting bored, feeling a little useless, and I think I may be driving my wife kind of crazy! I’m a healthy man so I expect be around for at least a few more years—and I’m starting to feel anxious as I look ahead and don’t really have anything to do. Did I make a mistake by retiring? I hate the thought of the cliché of being a Walmart greeter in my old age…but what else is there for me? Signed, Retired and Regretful Dear Retired and Regretful, Good questions!! Sounds like you are searching for purpose and meaning. In the words of M. K. Soni, “retire from work, but not from life.” Work has much meaning for many of us: identity, status, wealth, security, comradery, just to name a few. And perhaps you are feeling you’ve lost some of this. What other interests do you have? Are there activities that you use to enjoy that you’d like to reignite? Are there activities you’d like to do that you’ve never done? Places you’d like to visit? Perhaps this is an opportunity for you and your wife to relate in a new and different way. In addition to your search for purpose and meaning, you may be experiencing grief. This may be likely as you describe multiple losses as a result of your retirement. It may be helpful for you to recognize that you may be grieving to make sense of some of these feelings that are coming up. The Sages often counsel people during times of change such as this—supporting clients in finding their new evolved selves and helping navigate challenges that may arise. What else is there for you to do, you ask? So much! The world is yours! We like the Spanish word for retirement which is jubilación—rejoice. Sounds much better than retire, don’t you think? We hope that you move from being retired and regretful to relaxed and rejoiceful! Please contact us anytime! Signed, The Sages Dear Sages,
Kudos to the Sages for their response to “Hopelessly Alone.” The Divorce Support Group at the Sages and/or any other divorced-oriented support group in churches would be a fantastic step for Hopelessly Alone. I would also add that people (friends or relatives) who truly care about us would never tell us to “get over it.” That is very insensitive. As the Sages pointed out, there are multiple losses we need to grieve after a divorce and the impact of those losses can be felt for a number of years (Necessary Losses, Judith Viorst). Fritz Perls said it best: “The only way out of the pain is through it.” I suspect that in an effort to escape some of the pain, Hopelessly Alone might not had given herself the gift of fully embracing her losses. Her ex-husband's happiness (whether real or the result of appearances) is irrelevant. Dr. John Gottman, the guru of relationships, argues that the roots of divorce are found in courtship. My suggestion to Hopelessly Alone is to do an autopsy of her marriage beginning at courtship. Sometimes we think we have failed when in reality we were set up to fail. Signed, A Reader Who Gets It Dear Reader, Thank you so much for your thoughtful words to “Hopelessly Alone” who wrote that she was still struggling 7 years after her divorce. Any time there is change there is loss…and any time we experience a loss at least a part of us grieves the loss. Recognizing a divorce, its subsequent feelings, and grief provides us with a framework by which to understand and honor our feelings in a way that can help lead to closure or recovery…and ultimately growth. Your suggestion to Hopelessly Alone to do an “autopsy of her marriage” may be helpful in terms of learning to identify what is healthy for her in a relationship—and also what is not so healthy. Steve Maraboli said, “The most powerful relationship that you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.” The more we learn about ourselves—our patterns and habits; our beliefs about ourselves; what we need, what we want, and why—the better able we are to relate to ourselves with compassion and to see ourselves as worthy of love, kindness, and acceptance. We believe that how we relate to ourselves is how we teach others to relate to us—what we give to ourselves is what we will receive back from others. So thank you, Reader Who Gets It, for caring enough and for taking the time to share your thoughts and encouragement with one of your fellow travelers. We are always so grateful to our Community Sages for their wise and wonderful support! Signed, The Sages Dear Sages, I moved into the home of my dreams in such a lovely neighborhood about a year ago. I really lucked out! I live in a cul-de-sac, have great neighbors, and surrounded by dog lovers (my fave kind of people). Neighbors are nice and I have had great interactions with all the ones I’ve spoken to. But, there is this one neighbor. We’ve only waved “hello” as we are walking our dogs. I’m pretty sure he knows I live in the neighborhood. I walk the dogs almost daily. I’m pretty sure he has seen me leave my house with my dogs on one occasion. So…. to my surprise, I saw him allow his dog to poop in my front yard and not clean it up. I was washing dishes and looking out the bay window when I saw him walk by. He stopped as his dog was sniffing around. Dog proceeded to “go.” And then he looked around to see if anyone was looking and walked away briskly. Really?!?!? I thought he may have run out of baggies and would come back (I’ve done this before). But, he never did. He doesn’t give the super friendliest vibe so I’m not sure what I should do. Should I talk to him about it? Or just pick up the poop and move on? Signed, Doggie Dilemma Dear DD, We are so glad you found the home of your dreams AND in such a great neighborhood! Sounds like you did luck out! We also want to express our empathy with your crappy situation! In the words of Confucius, “Of neighborhoods, benevolence is the most beautiful. How can the man be considered wise who when he had the choice does not settle in benevolence.” It seems that you want to come up with the best, kindest solution to this matter. It seems that you want connection. Both of the options you placed on the table seem to be rooted in good will. But, before we can come up with the best option for you, we would like to know what kind of response are you looking for? Are you looking for him to apologize? Do you just want to express your thoughts to him and ask that he not do it again? Are you even looking for a specific response? Could you do both—pick up the poop AND talk to him about it? If you feel safe in gently bringing up the matter, go for it! But you could also just leave well enough alone! Hoping your dilemma turns into neighborly delight! Please, keep us posted. Signed, The Sages Dear Sages,
I have been divorced from my husband for going on 7 years after 14 years of marriage—and I am still struggling. I know, this sounds ridiculous, right? My friends and family tell me (pretty regularly!) that it is well past time for me to be moving on. I know they are right but I just don’t seem to be able to “get over it” like they tell me to. My ex has definitely moved on. He was remarried within a year after our divorce was final—and he and his new wife have two children. They seem to be a happy family without a care in the world. Meanwhile, I am lonely and angry—and I feel like I have failed. What is wrong with me? How can I shake off this 7 year fog I’ve been in and make a new life for myself? Signed, Hopelessly Alone…After All These Years Dear Hopelessly Alone, We are very sorry to hear of your struggles—and they do not sound ridiculous at all! We want you to know that, although you feel alone in your pain and sorrow, what you are experiencing is not at all uncommon—and you may be surprised to know that many others are grappling with very similar feelings and questions. Divorce is a major loss, in and of itself; then add to that the multitude of losses that most often accompany divorce, such as loss of hopes and dreams for the future, loss of friends, loss of security, loss of financial stability, etc. When you add this up, it makes sense that you are grieving—and if you have not been able to acknowledge and attend to your grief you may need some help to get through the process and come out on the other side feeling healthy and whole and ready to begin the next chapter of your life. We encourage you to seek the support of a professional counselor/therapist who can help you navigate this territory that is unknown and can seem daunting. It may also be helpful for you to find support among others who either have experienced or may still be experiencing similar feelings and doubts. Sage Center offers a Divorce Support group, as do many churches and other organizations, because we find that feeling comfort among peers is so essential to the healing process. Author Vera Nazarian said, “A fine glass vase goes from treasure to trash, the moment it is broken. Fortunately, something else happens to you and me. Pick up your pieces. Then, help me gather mine.” We wish you the very best in your healing—and remember, you are not alone! Signed, The Sages Dear Sages, I moved to the Atlanta area about one year ago and I feel like I have made the adjustment pretty well. This is important to me because I have a tendency to be shy and isolate myself somewhat in unfamiliar situations—and I’m working hard not to repeat that pattern. I joined a group of people I met through my gym who go to various activities and events together several times a month. That has been a great way for me to acclimate myself to a new place, meet new people, and get involved. The problem is there’s a guy in the group who expressed that he is interested in me romantically. I don’t have the same feelings for him—I like him as a friend but don’t feel anything more for him than that. I don’t know what to do or say—I don’t want to hurt his feelings or anything—but recently I find myself not wanting to attend gatherings because I feel uncomfortable. What can I do? Signed, Just Want To Be Friends Dear Just Want To Be Friends, First, we’d like to welcome you to Atlanta—and we are glad to hear that you feel you are finding your way and fitting in well! This group sounds like it has been a great help for you in your transition so it is important that you stay involved with them. As Benjamin Franklin is often quoted, “Honesty is the best policy” and that is what we feel will be the best approach for this situation. We encourage you to tell him the truth—much like you did in your letter to us. Make it clear that you like him as a friend and are happy to engage with him platonically as part of the group however you are not interested in becoming any more involved than that. Think of it this way: your honesty with him is a gift—both to him and to you. Thomas Jefferson said, “Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.” If you are kind, gentle, and caring in your delivery, you have done all that is within your power to not “hurt his feelings.” The rest is up to him. We wish you much happiness and continued success in your new home! Signed, The Sages |