April 2019

Dear Sages:
My 20-year reunion is coming up and I’m terrified to go. I don’t have great memories from high school and wasn’t super close with many people. I talk to the one person I was close to regularly and don’t need a reunion to connect with him. Although a part of me doesn’t want to go and can justify not going. Another part wants to go because I realize that the terror I feel about going is irrational and I want to get over my fear. There is one person specifically that I do not want to see as he bullied me from elementary until high school. Only until I got the invitation did I realize that I am still at the effect of the bullying. I’m sure he has moved on and so have I but, for whatever reason, my stomach ties up in knots when I think about running into him. Should I go to the reunion to get over my fear? Or just stay at home and leave well enough alone? One more thing! When I was in school I was kind of chubby. This guy constantly called me fat and teased me about me weight. One of my friends recently showed me a pic of him and he was very overweight. I, on the other hand, am healthy and fit now. A part of me wants to go just to show him that I’m not chubby anymore. Petty, I know. But true.
Signed,
Terrified Tommie
 
Dear Terrified Tommie,
First, we want to acknowledge the lasting effects of bullying and how terrifying it can be to face a bully. Sure, you both have probably “moved on” and perhaps this guy has matured by now. But it doesn’t take away the impact that years of bullying has left on you. You can’t necessarily go wrong with either choice. But will you regret not going? In the words of Michael J. Fox, “One's dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered.” If you truly do not want to go nor spend the money, time or energy, don’t! However, if there is a bit of you that wants to go but fear is trying to make the decision for you, consider going so you can heal. You are an adult now. You can leave. You can employ many tactics to gracefully get out of any uncomfortable situation that may arise. Rehearse in the mirror what you may say or do if engaged in a negative way. Also, welcome surprising connections if they come your way. By the way, congrats on being healthy and fit now. You are resilient and strong. There is no shame in being proud of who you are. Do not surrender your strength anymore. We wish you all the best!
Signed,
The Sages
      
Dear Sages:
I have recently been asked to be maid of honor in my best friend’s wedding. Awesome, right? I should be happy BUT all I keep thinking about is all the money I will be spending on this event: dress, bridal shower, bachelorette party, gifts etc. I probably sound like a horrible friend but I’m not, I promise. I just know that my friend has champagne taste and innocently asks friends to participate in activities and such that are well over our price range. She is pretty well to do and completely unaware that her friends are not as financially well off as she. On top of all this, my sister just asked that I help with her baby shower and be the godmother to my niece. I said yes before being asked to be a maid of honor. I have been doing great by paying off my debt religiously and if I take on this added role, I will backslide, I just know it. The wedding is a year away, is this enough time to tell her no longer can do this? Will this hurt her feelings? If it will hurt her feelings, should I just keep my mouth shut and deal with it? What should I do?
Signed,
Maid of Dishonor
 
Dear Maid of Dishonor,
Wow! We completely understand why you feel conflicted. Sounds like you want to be there for your friend but also want to preserve your energy and financial stability. Does it have to be an all or nothing scenario, though? If you didn’t have to take a huge hit financially in your role as Maid of Honor, would you still want to do it? If so, could you still fulfill your Maid of Honor role minus all the perceived financial obligations (i.e. just organize events, be main point of contact, go with her to pick out her wedding dress)? Have you spoken to her about your concerns? You mention that she is “completely unaware” of your financial circumstance. Why doesn’t she know? Have you participated in activities for years without expressing your concern about finances? What would it feel like if your friend had concerns related to you and it wasn’t shared with you? In the words of Audre Lorde, “I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, made verbal and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.” If she is  a true friend, she will welcome the discussion. Who knows, you both may come up with a nice compromise that meets your needs and hers. Don’t just bow out without sharing how you feel. Honor your friendship by sharing with her your concern. Welcome a compromise. If she wants more than you can give, then bow out gracefully. Act with honor and love. We wish you the best in life and hope that you allow your truth to shine through!
Signed,
The Sages