Sage Advice |
Sage Advice |
Dear Sages,
My dear friend is in her last stages of cancer and, to say the least, the last couple of years has been very rough on her. After many treatments of chemo, and no resolution of the cancer, she decided to stop doing chemo and die naturally. The doctors only give her 6 months to live. She seems more at peace now than she ever has. But, I, on the other hand, am having a very difficult time. I am suppose to be strong for her, but feel tearful every time I’m with her. I can’t seem to keep it together when we are together. How unfair that is to her! She’s the one dying and I am the tearful one???? What can I do to stop being so sad and be more helpful to her? What are you suggestions to get over the tearfulness? Signed, Losing a Friend Dear Losing a Friend, Thank you for writing in and sharing so deeply about your friend and your experience. We can only imagine how difficult this is for you. It sounds like you are grieving the loss of your dear friend. And, of course, her impending death is making you tearful! You love her. In the words of Washington Irving, “there is a sacredness in tears. They are not a mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.” Has your friend said to you that she feels it unfair for you to cry? Has she expressed that your sadness makes her feel unsupported? Do you have a trusted friend, besides her, that you can express your sadness to? Have you thought about receiving grief counseling support for yourself? Being tearful around your friend is an expression of love. However, if you feel that being tearful is not allowing you to be fully present with her, please consider getting some type of support of your own. What you resist persists. Just as you want to, we want you to relish the next however many months you have with her, to be fully present with her and enjoy the time you have here with her in her physical body. How beautiful it is that your friend has someone that cares so deeply about her as you do! If you feel up to it, please keep us updated. We will be holding you and your friend in our hearts<3 Dear Sages, I am writing to offer another reason as to why "Not a Cougar" is approached by younger men. Not to take away anything at all from what she has to offer or her looks, etc., as I don't know her. But I am a 60+ single woman, my experience is more cynical or sinister than what you suggested. More than one younger man has assumed that I'm desperate and or naive and they can take advantage of me is some way, usually financial. So I would also suggest that ‘Not a Cougar’ tread carefully. Thanks! Signed, Not Naive Dear Not Naive, Thank you so much for your feedback and advice for ‘Not a Cougar.’ Clarissa Pinkola Estés, author of Women Who Run With the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype, writes “many women do not even have the basic teaching about predators that a wolf mother gives her pups, such as: if it's threatening and bigger than you, flee; if it's weaker, see what you want to do; if it's sick, leave it alone; if it has quills, poison, fangs, or razor claws, back up and go in the other direction; if it smells nice but is wrapped around metal jaws, walk on by.” If this is the case, that “many women do not have the basic teaching of predators,” how helpful it is to have the support of those that care for us to give us the direction when needed. Dating can be fun, carefree, and exciting. But, it is always a good idea to be aware of traits in a mate that did not work for us in the past or traits that could be unhealthy. After all, we don’t want to get caught in metal jaws…even it smells nice! We appreciate you taking the time out to care for your fellow community member. Than you again! We always welcome input from our Community Sages! Signed, The Sages Pegge Riley, LPC and Angela Wacht, LPC are Counselors and Directors of Sage Center: Counseling, Consulting, and Creative Community Wellness. They are here to provide suggestions and guidance about everyday life. To submit a question or concern to Sage Advice go towww.SageCenterAtlanta.com and click on the Sage Advice tab. The advice in this column is general and is not intended as actual counseling for specific issues or concerns. If you need to address more specific issues requiring more intensive focus, please contact Sage Center at 404-419-6221 or visit our website at www.SageCenterAtlanta.com
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Dear Sages,
What are your thoughts about dating someone younger? I am a 55-year-old widow. I would like to start dating again yet encountering men much younger than me on dating sites that want to date me. At first I was a bit surprised (and flattered). But now I’m beginning to question these men’s intentions. I don’t want to sound like an ageist and want to be open to anyone of good character, no matter the age. But I have concerns. Why would a younger man want to date an older woman? Is dating an older woman some kind of fetish amongst young men? Or are they interested in me because of me? Does it make me a “Cougar” if I date younger? I’ve never dated anyone younger than me. Not looking to settle down right away. But I also don’t want to have a meaningless tryst. Help! Signed, Not a Cougar Dear Not a Cougar, Thank you for writing in and sharing so candidly your concerns about dating—specifically about dating a younger man. We are sure that opinions vary widely about this matter and one could probably see an even wider variation of opinions when you switch the genders around (younger men/older women, younger women/older men, age variance in same sex relationships etc.). Based on the info you provided, it seems that you haven’t started dating yet, correct? And you are looking to start dating not particularly get in to a long-term relationship--right now. I think the key word here is ‘dating.’ No matter what age range (or other characteristic), dating allows both parties involved to test congruence. One may find little to nothing in common with someone of their exact age and great similarities with someone 5, 10, 20 years younger. A younger man may want to date an older woman for many reasons. Some interested in only the age gap and many because of different logical healthy reasons. If you should decide that you are interested in some of these suitors, ask them directly why they are interested in you. If you find the answer compelling, then go out on a date. See how you feel! There is a common rule of thumb (at least on the internet anyway) that one should not date anyone younger than half their age plus 7. So, someone, let’s say, 56 should not (according to this just-for-fun-not based-on-any-credible-info-common-rule) date anyone younger than 30. On a serious note, we suggest asking these questions to yourself! What are your interests and values? Does the person you are dating share these interests? Does the person you are dating have similar long term goals when it comes to partnership? Then go from there! Happy dating to you! We’d love to know how things turn out! Signed, The Sages Dear Sages, I am a 35 year old male working in a fairly large company in Atlanta. I have never dated anyone at work and typically would not, but I am very interested in a co-worker and would like to ask her out. We met at the company Christmas party and I can’t get her out of my mind. With the allegations coming out about men in power and harassment allegations coming out in the news, I am hyperaware of the sensitivity to compliments and asking someone out on a date. We do not work in the same department and there is no rule against dating someone that is a peer at my company. So, I’m ok in that area. If I’m being honest, I’m just really nervous, I really like her, and I don’t want to make any mistakes! I just want to be respectful of her and don’t want to come across as a creep! How do I go about this? Or do I? Signed, Cautious Dater Dear Cautious Dater, We appreciate your thoughtfulness around this matter and wanting to be respectful of this woman’s feelings. It seems like you have also put thought into how this could impact you and your workplace. We imagine that you approach many matters with this same thoughtfulness. And if this is the case, you probably would take the same great care when asking her out. You really like her, huh? Seems like you have been thinking of her for a while! Are you more nervous about this because you are so interested in her? Do you see this woman at work? Can you ask her out to lunch or coffee one day? That seems benign enough. Starting with a lunch or coffee can be a great segue to a potential date. In the words of Theodore Roosevelt, “The only man who never makes mistakes is the man who never does anything.” Go for it! Be respectful! Be brave! Wishing you all the best! Signed, The Sages Pegge Riley, LPC and Angela Wacht, LPC are Counselors and Directors of Sage Center: Counseling, Consulting, and Creative Community Wellness. They are here to provide suggestions and guidance about everyday life. To submit a question or concern to Sage Advice go to www.SageCenterAtlanta.com and click on the Sage Advice tab. The advice in this column is general and is not intended as actual counseling for specific issues or concerns. If you need to address more specific issues requiring more intensive focus, please contact Sage Center at 404-419-6221 or visit our website at www.SageCenterAtlanta.com Dear Sages,
Valentine’s Day! Ugh! I dread it every year. I don’t know why it bothers me so. My husband and I see this holiday very differently. He thinks it’s just a marketing ploy to make people spend unnecessary money. I think it’s a time to show your significant other how much you care. I know that it’s just a regular old day and I know that caring goes beyond February 14th. But, I just want my husband for once to let go of his conspiracy theory about this holiday and do something that pleases me. It’s ok if he doesn’t believe in it but why can’t he just get me something or do something for me? Am I being irrational? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Should I let this go? Signed, Just Once Dear Just Once, You are not making a big deal out of nothing because this means something to you! We are aware that there are those that think Valentine’s day is a holiday for businesses to make money…and that is not entirely false. However, it is a holiday that many use to express their love in various ways. Our first thought when reading your inquiry is, how is your marriage throughout the year? Do you feel heard? Do you feel like he makes an effort to do things that please you throughout the year? In the book, “Be My Wolff,” by Emma Richler, there is a conversation between friends: “He wonders aloud at the origins of valentining. 'You're right,' Rachel says. 'It is a verb. Can be. And birds valentine each other, make mating calls. And usually mate in mid-February. You see?’ ‘But why Valentine?' asks Zach. 'Why valentining?' 'There were many Saint Valentines,' offers Tasha. 'I don't know what the link is between their martyrdom and love letters.' Zach is not very interested in the old tradition or the archaic verb. He is not bothered by the mating calls of passerines or the saints named Valentine and their associated symbols—he is merely fishing. Does Rachel think the tradition silly? If he were to send her a valentine, how strange would that be?” We empathize with the disconnection between you and your spouse around this issue. And we do not believe you are being irrational. May we suggest you speak with him on this matter and ask that he, instead of buy something for you, do something nice for you? If that doesn’t work, would you and he consider marital counseling? This Valentines issue could be a sign of something more amiss in the relationship and receiving support with an objective person and trusted professional may assist you both in reaching a place where you both feel understood and heard. We hope that you feel heard and cherished Valentine’s day and every day! Signed, The Sages Dear Sages, I have recently moved to Atlanta from the Midwest for a job opportunity and it’s better than I imagined it would be. I love my job, love the variety of restaurants and things to do BUT there’s one thing that is missing. I have a best friend back home that I miss so much. It’ not the regular kind of missing, though, I don’t think. I think I love her. I think I love her more than a friend. It took me moving to realizing that, perhaps, she is the one. How do I broach this topic without it becoming weird between us? We’ve been friends since middle school and I don’t want to lose her as a friend by professing my love. At the same time, I don’t want to pass an opportunity to be with someone that I could spend the rest of my life with. Signed, Friend to Future Mate Dear Friend to Future Mate, Congratulations on the recent move and job! What an exciting time in your life! And wow! What a revelation! As quoted in “Beauty and the Beast” by Jeanne-Marie Leprince de Beaumont, “Alas! I thought I had only a friendship for you, but the grief I now feel convinces me, that I cannot live without you.” Any big transition can make one see situations with a clarity greater than ever before! And if this is the case, do tell her. We believe in love and believe that there is much to lose when we don’t speak our truth. We also wonder if the love you feel for your friend feels like something more because you are grieving your life and friend back home. We have to wonder why you didn’t realize this before and if you had reasons (conscious or unconscious) for not pursuing the relationship before. As expressed in the quote, grief can convince us of many things. Ask yourself, “Is there a reason I didn’t pursue it before?” The more information you have for yourself about yourself and your decision, the more present you can be when or if you decide to have this conversation with your friend. It may get weird if she doesn’t feel the same BUT the upside is you can still be friends. AND if she does feel the same…well, you have the opportunity of spending the rest of your life with your best friend! Wishing you a sweet conversation with your best friend! Signed, The Sages Pegge Riley, LPC and Angela Wacht, LPC are Counselors and Directors of Sage Center: Counseling, Consulting, and Creative Community Wellness. They are here to provide suggestions and guidance about everyday life. To submit a question or concern to Sage Advice go to www.SageCenterAtlanta.com and click on the Sage Advice tab. The advice in this column is general and is not intended as actual counseling for specific issues or concerns. If you need to address more specific issues requiring more intensive focus, please contact Sage Center at 404-419-6221 or visit our website at www.SageCenterAtlanta.com Dear Sages,
I am newly married with my partner of 4 years and I moved in to my significant other’s home after we married. My spouse has full custody of his 2 elementary age kids. I love kids and it has been fun getting to know them and watch them grow. Although I haven’t been around them 24/7, I feel I have been a major constant in their lives. I started out visiting with them often and being the nice, fun adult that they enjoyed being around. But, now that I am living in their home, I am having trouble getting them to recognize my authority. Maybe I was too nice before? Maybe this is normal and we’ll find a rhythm of this new arrangement after some time? What do I do? I want to be a good step parent and don’t want to mess this up! Signed, Nice Nancy Dear Nice Nancy, Thank you for writing in to Sage Advice! And congratulations on being newly married and moving in to the home with your spouse and step kids! In the words of Elder M. Russel Ballard, “There is no perfect way to be a step parent. Each situation is unique. Each step parent has different challenges, skills and abilities and certainly different children. What matters is that the step parent loves his/her children deeply.” We’re guessing, Nice Nancy, that the shear fact of you being concerned and not wanting to “mess this up,” means you won’t. If you were being authentic in getting to know the children, then you weren’t being “too nice.” Growing pangs are normal and as the quote indicated, “every situation is unique.” Have you spoken to your spouse about how you are feeling? If so, what are his thoughts? Have you spoken to the children about their feelings about the move and the marriage? You may gain some significant insight as to why there are some growing pangs? Maybe the issues have nothing to do with the marriage or move—perhaps it is something the kids are experiencing at school or with friends? Have you (or your spouse) explored any outside issues that may be happening? Parenting is tough even for biological parents and ALL parenting has challenges. In addition, perhaps looking at the home as your shared home—a home you share with your spouse and step-kids—versus “their home” as you write in your question. Is it possible you feel some insecurity about being “separate” that is manifesting in your relationships with the kids? Do YOU feel like you belong? Our main advice is to continue exploring what lies beneath and remain open to the idea that these challenges will bring you and the kids closer rather than apart. Wishing you much happiness and joy in your new family! Signed, The Sages Dear Sages, 2017 was not the best year for me--and I want to start the New Year off right. Nothing major happened in 2017 but I just felt disorganized and unproductive...which then left me feeling discouraged and a little depressed. I don’t know what to do or where to begin to create a year that I want—to create a year where I feel productive and accomplished. How do I go about starting this year off right and making it stay that way? Signed, Ready for 2018 Dear Ready for 2018, In the book “A Tale for the Time Being,” Author Ruth Ozeki writes, “Where should I start? I texted my old Jiko this question, and she wrote back this: 現在地で始まるべき. You should start where you are.” This is not to say that it isn’t worth looking back to reevaluate and assess what worked in 2017 and what didn’t, but try not to lose complete focus on the woulda, shoulda, couldas. You mention that you feel depressed. Do you feel sad or irritable most of the day? You also mentioned you feel disorganized and unproductive. Is your mood what affected your ability to be organized and productive? Have you lost interest in activities you once use to be interested in? Have you been diagnosed with depression in the past? If you answered yes to any of these question, it is our suggestion to reach out to a trusted professional to support you in treating these symptoms AND support you in arriving to place that you can accomplish your goals. If you’ve answered no to all of these questions, it still may be helpful to meet with someone (a trusted mental health professional, a friend, parent, confidant) to write down your goals and steps on how you can reach them. If you’re doing this activity with a friend (or friends), make it a party—something fun. Do a vison board, perhaps! A word you wrote really summed it all up---“create!” Start where you are and create, Ready for 2018. We are hopeful that you can and will create the year you want and deserve! Signed, The Sages Dear Sages,
I really love the holidays—and I want to just relax and enjoy the season but I am already stressing over spending money on gifts. I am single and supporting myself so I don’t have a lot of money to spend. I have a great group of friends and I love getting together with them over the holidays and doing things—and I also enjoy exchanging gifts—but I feel like I can’t keep up with them financially. They often get me something very nice, and I want to reciprocate but it is way out of my budget. I have suggested in the past that we have a spending limit. They have all agreed…but when the holiday rolls around they still spend the same amount—which is more than I can afford. It’s embarrassing and also a lot of pressure. I don’t want to be a scrooge about it but I don’t know what to do. Help! Signed, Bah Humbug Dear Bah Humbug, We empathize with you and realize that the holidays can be a stressful time—especially related to finances!! How wonderful that you have a great group of friends, though, and can share time with them! What a gift! Now, to the challenge at hand regarding spending the same amount—we hear you! It can feel uncomfortable when one is unable to reciprocate in the way it feels most appropriate. And it is challenging when folks make an agreement and somehow miss the mark or cross that boundary. However, beyond the gift dollar amount, what we hear behind the embarrassment and feelings of pressure could be a difficulty in receiving. As written in the book Love Over Scotland by Alexander McCall Smith, “Gracious acceptance is an art—an art which most never bother to cultivate. We think that we have to learn how to give, but we forget about accepting things, which can be much harder than giving.... Accepting another person's gift is allowing him to express his feelings for you.” Have you ever thought that the act of receiving a gift from your “great group of friends” that you “love getting together with” is a gift to them? This isn’t meant to negate your feelings—not at all. But a plea to examine your feelings around receiving, not just Christmas gifts but anything. The embarrassment of receiving may also manifest itself in feeling embarrassment when receiving support or, even, not wanting to ask for help or support at all. Could this Christmas gift exchange dilemma be indicators of something more? So, what do you do? You can have an earnest discussion with them (again) regarding dollar amounts. But if that doesn’t work, we suggest receiving and embracing the idea that you receiving their gift is a priceless gift to them! Wishing you a beautiful holiday season filled with gifts of all kinds! Signed, The Sages Dear Sages, I recently moved to the Atlanta area. I’m from a small town up north. I was excited about this move—and really looking forward to being in a big city where I could meet lots of new and interesting people. Unfortunately, so far I just feel overwhelmed. I don’t really know where to start or how to begin the process of meeting people in such a big place. It seems like whenever I go out places I run into crowds of people who already know each other…and it feels like there just isn’t room for one more. I’m getting especially concerned because the holidays are coming up and I fear I will be spending them alone. Where can I go or what activities can I try where I can feel more comfortable introducing myself—and where I’m more likely to be welcomed and received? Signed, Lonely Down South Dear Lonely, Welcome to Atlanta, Lonely Down South! Indeed, there are many new and interesting people to meet in Atlanta—over 5.7 million in the Atlanta Metro Area. Enough people to meet yet enough to feel overwhelmed. We get it! We have heard from several readers over the years asking advice on how to navigate a move into such a large city. You are not alone! In the words of Francesco Guicciardini, “Since there is nothing so well worth having as friends, never lose a chance to make them.” It sounds like you have been trying but to no avail. Have you tried participating in organized activities with those that share similar interests: Bocce ball teams, Chess clubs, Mahjong, Ball room dance, knitting, running clubs, gardening clubs. There are many groups where you can find people that share your similar interest. Something else that may be of interest to you is our Sage Center Community Gathering on Friday, December 8th from 4-6pm. Enjoy meeting your neighbors and make new friends! We’d love to meet you! Perhaps you can gain ideas on other ways to meet new people in Atlanta and create meaningful lasting relationships! We will have a special space awaiting you! Signed, The Sages Pegge Riley, LPC and Angela Wacht, LPC are Counselors and Directors of Sage Center: Counseling, Consulting, and Creative Community Wellness. They are here to provide suggestions and guidance about everyday life. To submit a question or concern to Sage Advice go to www.SageCenterAtlanta.com and click on the Sage Advice tab. The advice in this column is general and is not intended as actual counseling for specific issues or concerns. If you need to address more specific issues requiring more intensive focus, please contact Sage Center at 404-419-6221 or visit our website at www.SageCenterAtlanta.com Dear Sages,
I love my husband but we ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT drive in the car together. I often have nightmares that I’m riding in the backseat of a car that is out of control. I try and try to reach the steering wheel from the backseat to gain control but I never can reach. When my husband drives, he gets upset at other drivers and often drives defensively which makes me very anxious and scared. Because of the dreams and my being triggered by his driving, we rarely ride together. I drive also, but when I drive he gets upset that I’m not driving fast enough, aggressive enough, etc. This is usually the only time we ever have issues. I’d like to be able to go on trips with my husband and actually enjoy the ride. How do I resolve these frightening dreams? AND can my husband and I ever get to a place where we aren’t driving each other mad??? Signed, Want to Enjoy the Ride Dear Want to Enjoy the Ride, Thank you for sharing your experience. We are sure that many can relate to the feeling of being driven mad by their partner. Car rides can feel warm and comforting like a mother’s womb…or serve as an incubator for turmoil and fear. What you are sharing sounds pervasive and trauma provoking. How long have the dreams been going on? Were they happening prior to meeting your husband or only after? The famous psychoanalyst, Sigmund Freud, considered dreams to be the “royal road to the unconscious as it is in dreams that the ego's defenses are lowered so that some of the repressed material comes through to awareness, albeit in distorted form.” Dreams can perform important functions for the unconscious mind to resolve hidden fears and also to work through issues. Clearly, the theme of loss of control comes up. But what else could your dreams be telling you? You are reaching for the steering wheel in your dream to no avail. What have you reached for in your life that is unavailable to you? You are expressing that you are reaching for connection with your husband. Could there be more? In his book “The Light in the Heart,” Roy T. Bennett wrote, “Don't be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart.” Contact a trusted mental health professional in your area for individual and/or couples support. You can be assisted in processing the connection between your dreams, your car rides with your husband, and fear and anxiety resulting from both! Wishing you a smooth ride from this point forward!! Signed, The Sages Dear Sages, My 82-year-old father passed away two weeks ago. I took some time off right after his death but then went back to work. All in all, I’m doing pretty well but I’m having some guilt around not wanting to travel out of state to spend Thanksgiving with my family. Traditionally, all the family would go to my father’s house for the holiday. Now that he won’t be there, I’m considering taking the time off to stay home. Before he died, I travelled frequently to be with him and to help out with his care. As a result, I feel like I have been going and going non-stop and have been unable to catch a breath. I know my family will be disappointed with me if I don’t come for the holiday this year, but I’m tired! Should I stay or should I go? How do I know whether or not I’m making the best decision? Signed, Stay or Go Dear Stay or Go, We are very sorry to hear about your loss—and we extend to you our sincere condolences. You mentioned that your family will feel let down if you don’t go; however, have you considered that if you do go, you will be letting yourself down? Author, poet, and motivational speaker Stephanie Lahart writes, “Let today mark a new beginning for you. Give yourself permission to say NO without feeling guilty, mean, or selfish…Always remember: You have a right to say NO without having to explain yourself. Be at peace with your decisions.” In this time of grief, it is so important that you attend to yourself well and take care of your needs as part of your grief and healing process. We encourage you to do what truly feels right for you—and to trust that those who love you will understand and support you in honoring yourself. We wish you peace and comfort in your healing journey. Signed, The Sages Pegge Riley, LPC and Angela Wacht, LPC are Counselors and Directors of Sage Center: Counseling, Consulting, and Creative Community Wellness. They are here to provide suggestions and guidance about everyday life. To submit a question or concern to Sage Advice go to www.SageCenterAtlanta.com and click on the Sage Advice tab. The advice in this column is general and is not intended as actual counseling for specific issues or concerns. If you need to address more specific issues requiring more intensive focus, please contact Sage Center at 404-419-6221 or visit our website at www.SageCenterAtlanta.com Dear Sages,
I am an active 70+ year old, who through financial circumstances, must keep working. As you can imagine, my salary now is not what it was when I worked for Corporate America, and what I do now is very physically challenging. The problem is with my friends, some of whom are now former friends. For the past six years, I have repeatedly told them that I cannot take out of the country vacations, or any other sort of vacation for that matter, I cannot go out to eat very often, I do not have money for fancy holistic remedies, plastic surgery and facial fillers. I am desperately trying to pay rent, keep my car on the road, and am just skating on thin ice financially. They don't seem to get it. These well-off retirees constantly ask me to spend money I don't have in order to socialize with them, which I can no longer do. Do I just avoid them totally? Is there any better way I can get my point across? Signed, Thin Ice Skater Dear Thin Ice Skater, Author John O'Donohue, from the book Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom, wrote “One of the tasks of true friendship is to listen compassionately and creatively to the hidden silences. Often secrets are not revealed in words, they lie concealed in the silence between the words or in the depth of what is unsayable between two people.” We can sometimes share with friends that we are going through this or that circumstance yet some do not hear the “hidden silences” and the “depth” of what you are experiencing. It seems that you have shared your circumstances yet some friends still have not heard you--still do not understand the depth of your circumstance. You asked if you should avoid them totally. Well, not knowing your exact relationship with each of your friendships, it is safe to say that you can establish boundaries with friends. However, before any decision is made about avoiding friendships, let’s first ask--are there any friends that you do feel connected to—that you feel understand even what is not being said? Identify who those friends are. Think about what you are able to do given your financial circumstance and time available and invite those friends to join you in the things you are able to do. Could you invite them to go on a picnic, walk in the park, have dinner at home, watch a movie? Tell them what you need, what you desire. Teach them what feels supportive to you. Perhaps they are inviting you because they want to include you, not knowing, even though you’ve shared with them, that it’s creating a wedge. We hope that you feel heard and supported—and that you can find some solid ground with a few friends vs. skating on thin ice with many. Signed, The Sages Dear Sages, I’m in love. I have met and amazing woman and can’t get her out of my mind. We’ve been dating for 9 months and my feeling for her just grow and grow. She says the feelings are mutual and I feel that to be true. We are both mature, have gone through life experiences, marriages, grown children, our own fair share of personal growth… so, my question is how do I know this is real? How do I know that I’m just not in lust? I’ve never had this feeling before—this head-over-heels feeling coupled with life experience and understanding about real challenges relationships. Although I feel fairly confident that she is The One, I am also slightly cautious. Signed, In Love and Wondering Dear In Love, What a glorious feeling—to be in love!! We are so happy for you yet, also, understand the caution you have. It sounds like through life experience you are not naïve when it comes to the fact that relationship challenges are real and no amount of being in love can prevent that. Being in love is real. In the book “Sacred Relationships” by Anaiya Sophia and Padma Aon Prakasha, the authors describe a relationship as a container where “two come together to share combined energies for a common set of purposes.” Will you both be able to co-create a life together that can nurture that love and share a common set of purposes? Have you both spoken about the future and how it will be to merge your lives? We encourage you to have deep dialogue about the details—and not with your eyes wide shut. If you find those discussions taking the two of you to the next level, we suggest you consider the many options available for pre-marital and/or couples counseling support that can provide you with more clarity about whether this relationship can be sustainable and how to make it last in the long term. Wishing you the love and happiness you deserve, In Love! Signed, The Sages Pegge Riley, LPC and Angela Wacht, LPC are Counselors and Directors of Sage Center: Counseling, Consulting, and Creative Community Wellness. They are here to provide suggestions and guidance about everyday life. To submit a question or concern to Sage Advice go to www.SageCenterAtlanta.com and click on the Sage Advice tab. The advice in this column is general and is not intended as actual counseling for specific issues or concerns. If you need to address more specific issues requiring more intensive focus, please contact Sage Center at 404-419-6221 or visit our website at www.SageCenterAtlanta.com Dear Sages,
I recently had a falling out with my bestie and I’m confused as to what I should do. She and I use to hang out every weekend. We used to call each other “Soul Sistahs” because of how strong our bond was and how close we felt with each other. But she is recently divorced and is now going out on the town more—mostly with her single friends. Nothing wrong with that. Even though she’s invited me out with them on numerous occasions, I still just feel left behind. When I told her how I felt she said I was being silly and nothing was different between us. I became upset and cried and she seemed un-phased, continued to say nothing was different between us, gave me a hug, and then left and told me she would call me later. It’s been a few days since we last spoke. I’m going to call her if I don’t hear from her—but, since we’re clearly not seeing eye-to-eye on this, do I pursue the friendship or let bygones be bygones? Signed, Sullen Soul Sistah Dear Sullen Soul Sistah, Our heart goes out to you regarding your recent “falling out” with your friend. We can imagine how deeply it hurts to feel like you’ve lost a big part of your life. It sounds like you feel unheard and that your feelings of being “left behind” are unacknowledged. However, we also hear that, although your friend has invited you out with her, there may be a meaning that is being applied to the situation that, perhaps, isn’t there. Of course, we don’t know the whole story as we understand that it is extremely difficult to condense our life in a paragraph. But could it be possible that your feelings are being unacknowledged AND that this experience with your friend is tapping into loss of not only the form of your relationship with her but also another experience in your life where you felt “left behind” or un-included or unwanted? As the adage goes, “don’t put the cart before the horse.” When you call (or when she calls), be open to the possibility of exploring a different form of relationship with your “Soul Sistah.” Ask her what her thoughts are regarding how the relationship has changed, if any, and share with her how you have felt using “I” statements—avoiding “because you did this.” Speak to her soul. Speak to yours. Also, give yourself some time before you speak to her. If you still feel emotionally charged right now, pause! Maybe waiting until you feel more neutral is a time you can visit this conversation. Text her or call and ask if you can schedule a time to speak with her via phone or face to face so that you both are ready and prepared to discuss. Wishing you all the best with your bestie! Signed, The Sages Dear Sages, I am responding to the letter from "Old Dog" in the May issue of Norcross News who felt she might be too old, at 44, to pursue a career as a counselor or helper of some sort. I entered Georgia State University at age 50 to get my master's degree in counseling. I found a lot of other gray haired students there. After graduating with a degree in counseling, I established a private practice and recently retired at 83! I encourage Old Dog to remember that it's never too late to give yourself a second chance. Signed, Never Too Late Dear Never Too Late, Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement for Old Dog! We are always so pleased to hear from our fellow Sages within the community—the advice and support you lend to others from your own experience is invaluable and much appreciated! As counselors ourselves, we believe that the best way to help someone find their path is to assist them in their own process of self-discovery and self-realization. In the words of Lao Tzu, mystic philosopher of ancient China, and author of the Tao Te Ching, “At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.” Never Too Late, we thank you again for your generosity in sharing your path with us! And Old Dog, we would love to hear back from you one of these days to see where your process of self-discovery is taking you! We wish both of you clarity and peace along your journeys! Signed, The Sages Pegge Riley, LPC and Angela Wacht, LPC are Counselors and Directors of Sage Center: Counseling, Consulting, and Creative Community Wellness. They are here to provide suggestions and guidance about everyday life. To submit a question or concern to Sage Advice go to www.SageCenterAtlanta.com and click on the Sage Advice tab. The advice in this column is general and is not intended as actual counseling for specific issues or concerns. If you need to address more specific issues requiring more intensive focus, please contact Sage Center at 404-419-6221 or visit our website at www.SageCenterAtlanta.com |