Sage Advice |
Sage Advice |
Dear Sages:
I have a dear friend that always comes to me for advice but never takes it. Go figure! The last couple of times she came to me, I started recognizing that I felt a bit annoyed. Why is she coming to me for “advice” if she doesn’t take it? I’m noticing that when things are going well for her, she comes to me less and hangs out with other friends more. When she’s in a bad place, I’m the one she reaches out to. I hate to admit it but I kinda feel as if I’m being used. I use to like the fact that she felt comfortable coming to me with her issues. Isn’t that what friends are for, after all? But when that seems like the only thing she comes to me for, it doesn’t feel like a friendship. How do I handle this situation. I still want to be her friend but don’t want to be just her sounding board. What do I do? Signed, Sarah the Sounding Board Dear Sarah, Thank you for writing in. We are sorry to hear that you feel “used” by your friend. It seem that you value your friendship and taking on this role as advice giver is negatively impacting you and your thoughts about your friend. Advice is directly correlated with the advice giver’s values, beliefs, and experiences and is not the most effective way in supporting people. Advice giving as whole isn’t harmful. However, it can be. How do we actually know what is best for someone else? Advice can be helpful and welcomed. But, like you, we see more often than not that people do not take it. If they do take it and it doesn’t work out, you may be faulted because it was your idea and not theirs. Have you tried this..? The next time your friend comes to you for advice, listen and then ask her with warmth and compassion, “what do you think you should do?” or “What do you think might be the best solution to this?” Usually, people can and will come up with their own ways of handling situations and just need a listening and objective ear. If she persists, kindly tell her that you are more than happy to listen but do not feel comfortable giving advice on the topic. In the words of Eden Phillpotts, “The people sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.” You tried giving advice. She didn’t take the advice time and time again. You are feeling “used.” So, it’s time to implement a new strategy, Sarah. Ironically, our advice is to give none! Signed, The Sages Dear Sages: One of my friends is depressed, I think, and I’m trying to do everything I can to help her. I invite her on walks, call her every day, and try to be a bright spot in her day. I’ve tried and said everything I can to make her happy. But, she just tells me that she feels down and doesn’t know why. She use to love yoga. So, I suggested she start back up with that again. I told her that I’d go with her. When I said that the other day, she looked like she was going to cry and said that I didn’t understand her and wasn’t being a friend. All I’ve been doing is being a good friend! I just don’t get it. I’ve been sad before. But I did what I had to do to get myself out of it. What should I do to help her? Signed, Caring Catherine Dear Caring Catherine, Seems like you are such a caring friend, Catherine. It can be very difficult to see a friend struggle and try to be of help to no avail. We wonder if she is experiencing clinical depression. Although used interchangeably in everyday speak, depression is different than sadness. Sadness is a normal human emotion that passes with time. Depression or Major Depressive Disorder is characterized by 5 or more of the following symptoms lasting more than two weeks: a depressed mood that lasts for most of the day with noticeable signs of hopelessness and sadness; a loss of interest in normal activities; significant and unintentional weight loss or gain; insomnia, sleeplessness, or increased amounts of sleep that affect normal schedules; tiredness and low energy; feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt; inability to concentrate or make decisions; and recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts or suicide attempts or plans. People with a diagnosis of Depression can often be stigmatized because others who do not have this diagnosis do not understand how a person can feel this way. Friends and family, innocently, question why the person can’t just do a hobby or think their way positively out of it. In the words of Stephen Fry, “Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation. Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.” Gently suggest to her outside support such as a licensed therapist. There are proven methods that can support her specific needs. In addition, if she is ever in a crisis and needs immediate support, you or she can call Georgia Crisis and Access Line (GCAL) at 1-800-715-4225 or 1-800-273-TALK. There, one can receive assistance 24/7. Wishing you and your friend all the best! Signed, The Sages
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