Sage Advice |
Sage Advice |
Dear Sages:
My problem is trying to find a polite way to respond to questions that make me uncomfortable without sounding rude. I have been hired by the mother of an elementary school student to provide tutoring and after school care for her child and all arrangements for this work have been between the mother and me. Things are going well and I have a wonderful relationship with the child and the mother. My problem is the father. When the mother is not around, the father frequently interrupts to ask me questions about my fees and the frequency and mode of the payments—all in front of the child and during our study time. These matters have already been worked out with the mother. The father does not need to be involved and the mother says she does not want him to be involved. I should mention that this man has ADD and I believe these questions are the result of him trying to find ways to constantly engage others and distract himself which, to me, seems self-serving. I resent him asking these questions because they make me feel awkward and uncomfortable. Would it be rude if I were to say, "Your questions are making me uncomfortable. It would be best for both of us if you could please ask you wife. Thank you." I anticipate that he may become argumentative since I would be keeping him from distracting himself. My goal is to defer from answering his questions without crossing my boundaries. Please offer a suggestion. Thank you. Signed, Uncomfortable Coach Dear Uncomfortable Coach, We are sorry to hear that you are struggling with this—it does indeed sound uncomfortable for you! Although the scenario doesn’t seem ideal, your strong reaction to the father makes us wonder if perhaps the situation is tapping into something on a deeper level for you. Does the father remind you of someone else in your life? Do the feelings you have surrounding the situation seem familiar to you from something in your past? If so, we encourage you to explore your experience in depth with a counselor or other helping professional—that may be the key to freeing yourself from the uncomfortable feelings regardless of whether or not the father changes his behavior. Meanwhile, if you do decide to address it with him, we urge you to speak only about yourself and what you are feeling and what you need—try not to speak about him or make assumptions about what is motivating his behavior. That will only create defensiveness and ultimately move you farther away from your goal of alleviating your discomfort. The Dalai Lama says, “We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” Wishing you inner—and outer—peace! Signed, The Sages Dear Sages: I'm compelled to offer my perspective to Doggy Daddy (Feb. Issue). From my point of view, whether his date is a dog-lover or not is irrelevant. I would argue that his date feels threatened and jealous by the attention Doggy Daddy is extending to his dog. But this has nothing to do with his dog. The culprit could have been a cat, a friend, or his car. She is resorting to name-calling ("spoiled") because she is not approving of his choices. She is critical of his choices because she wants to be the one to capture his attention. How was her apology sincere when she insisted on name-calling? I would say she is the one who wants to be spoiled by Doggie Daddy. But somehow she is concerned that she will be second, not first in his life—if the relationship gets to that point. I'd like to refer Doggy Daddy to John Gottman's "Cascade Model of Relationship Breakdown." The cascade begins with criticism followed by defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. She offered criticism and Doggy Daddy admitted he felt "very defensive." Gottman, a guru in relationships, further argues that the roots of divorce are found in courtship. Doggy Daddy described evidence of the first two elements in the cascade and they have only dated four times. I encourage Doggy Daddy to consider these red flags before going any further with the relationship. Signed, Another Point of View Dear Another Point of View, Thank you for sharing your opinion about the letter from Doggy Daddy in the February issue. It sounds as if you have strong feelings about the relationship and you want to forewarn DD about the red flags you see that perhaps he may be missing. We believe that, in the beginning of a relationship, it is always best to tell the truth about who you are—and to seek the truth about the other. As a new couple gets to know one another, they will likely experience some times of distress and uncertainty. While we agree that it is good to be aware of “red flags” so as to avoid unwittingly entering into an unhealthy relationship, it is also important to be open to interpretation of what may be a fear or insecurity that comes from being vulnerable with someone new. Harville Hendrix, author of “Getting the Love You Want” says, “Conflict is the alchemical soup that transforms raw emotion and instinct into pure gold.” If we are telling and seeking the truth we create a space within which we can listen to the fear or insecurity and determine if the relationship is a safe place to heal—or, in contrast, if the healing needs to take place elsewhere. Either way, we wish Another Point of View and Doggy Daddy the peace and love they deserve. Signed, The Sages
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