Sage Advice |
Sage Advice |
Dear Sages,
I have been happily married for 3 years with an amazing man. My husband and I dated for many years before getting married and always thought we didn’t want to have children. We agreed on this subject and always shared thoughts of building our future together and traveling the world in our free time. We have a dog and being a fur parent was the only parenting I thought I ever wanted to do. Well, now I think I have changed my mind. When I have spoken to my husband about it, he isn’t pleased. He thinks I misled him. But I honestly didn’t think I wanted kids when we got married. My husband didn’t say “no” outright and I know he would support me in the decision (and be a great father) but I don’t want to feel like I am trying to convince him to want to be father. I want him to want to. At this juncture, I’m not sure what to think or what to do. I don’t think this desire is going to go away. I didn’t have a great childhood, and, in the past, I think the reason I didn’t want to have kids was because I thought I’d be a horrible parent too. But now that I’m older and have some more perspective (and greater esteem, perhaps) I feel like I would not only want to raise a child but that I’d do everything I can to make a wonderful life for my child. What do I do? Signed, Wanting Dear Wanting, Thank you for writing into Sage Center! And congratulations on 3 happy years of marriage. We completely empathize with the dilemma you are facing and understand that you are stuck between wanting a child and honoring your agreement with your husband. As related in the book The Unfinished Book About Who We Are by Joseph Rain, “A worthy relationship is an agreement that challenges and supports both participants.” Your experience is challenging both you and your partner’s ideas about your future, the thoughts about your relationship, and challenging his trust in your word. Have you considered marital counseling? You both may come to an agreement on whether to have a child. And you may not. But receiving support with this dilemma from a neutral party may be a wonderful way for you both to find space to honor each other’s experience without fear and mistrust and can support both of you in sorting out your feelings and goals for the future. We wish you and yours all the best. Signed, The Sages Dear Sages, I have recently started dating again and wow has it been interesting!! I’ve finally met a woman that I thought I was very compatible with and share a lot of common interests. But after the fourth date realized that she likes dogs but isn’t a “dog person.” When I told her about me buying Christmas gifts for my dog and letting him lay in bed with me, she says my dog is spoiled and runs the house. I immediately felt very defensive and put off. I was cordial but left the date irritated. After it was over, she called and apologized for hurting my feelings (she said she could tell I was bothered because my demeanor changed). However, she still used the word “spoiled” when speaking of my dog. I have always dated dog people so have never been challenged in this way. I really like her and am attracted to many qualities about her. But I’m wondering if this is a deal breaker? Signed, Doggy Daddy Dear Doggy Daddy, We Sages are self-identified “dog people” and completely understand why you feel “defensive” about your fur kid. It can be hard to hear perceived criticism about any of our kids (fur and human). Liking dogs and being a “dog person” can be very different and if someone doesn’t feel comfortable sharing a bed with your fur baby and you don’t want to change your position on it, then this would be a deal breaker. If you are willing to compromise how you engage with your pup to continue the relationship and she is willing to compromise in some ways to (like sharing the bed), it could work. Do you like her enough to stick around and find out? The differing love/like for dogs doesn’t necessarily mean it will not work. But what concerns us is that she called your dog “spoiled.” Why name call? It would have been effective for her to say “wow! I’ve never had a close relationship with a dog like that. Sounds like you really love him!” That feels much different than “your dog is spoiled.” Has your dog met her yet? His reaction to her and her reaction and engagement with him may give you some guidance as to whether or not you want to pursue this. See what your dog says about her. In the words of Marley & Me’s Author, John Grogan, “It is amazing how much love and laughter they bring into our lives and even how much closer we become with each other because of them.” Wishing you the connection and compatibility you are searching for! Keep us updated! Signed, The Sages
0 Comments
Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
Leave a Reply. |